A Conversation About What Could Have Been

You know in our lives, there are a lot of what could have been’s? And one of those what could have been would involve a guy-or girl depending on what your preference is of course.

There was this guy, that I didn’t date. Well maybe I did if you’ll count having coffee because he had to go all the way from a different city just to get my key from my roommate because I locked myself out of the apartment. Or talking till very late like from night till the sun rises kind of late, or McDonald breakfasts, or hanging out together with friends. If those things are counted, then maybe we dated.

I was talking with him yesterday, and we started talking about the past. We realized that we didn’t know what happened. We didn’t know exactly why we didn’t try to get together, or what we had back then. Because now, we’re friends. Back then, we knew we were something else, its just that we didn’t really talk about it, and we didn’t do anything that will prove that. Continue reading A Conversation About What Could Have Been

Princessa thanks for divulging his name!!!

My God!!!

I was gone for just a day and you pull this kind of stunt?! Ugh!

You know how hard it is to type he-who-must-not-be-named every time I’m referring to him?

Goodness gracious. Arg! And there’s even a photo. Waaah!

Fine, since it’s out then out it is. But unfortunately, I’m not in the mood to talk about it yet.

Oh, and I met up with the jerk ex boyfriend. He’s denying everything. He said that he has no reason to do that. Oh well… I don’t really care anymore. I just realized that I don’t feel anything for him now.

I hugged him.

Not because I want to but because I want to make sure if I’m just deluding myself, or am I really over him. I realized that now, hugging him is like hugging a pillow or any inanimate object. Continue reading Princessa thanks for divulging his name!!!

The End of Something that NEVER Started

I’m feeling melancholic. Now that my departure is drawing near, I already miss everybody that I met here in Singapore. And I will also miss Singapore. I have been very fond of this country together with it’s culture and it’s people.

If it’s not for my family, I would have preferred to stay here. So as much as I can I’m trying to commit to memory everything that I experienced here. I only have one problem though. Because everywhere I look, I don’t know why but for some reason I always connect it to a single entity. I find it weird that I keep on thinking of that entity.

Every place, every food, every scent… as long as my senses captured it while that entity is near, then those would automatically be linked to that entity. It’s as if all the other memories has been overwritten. I can still remember the other memories like when I first went to Orchard with friends, the first time I played pool with Sab. It’s just that… all other memories were overshadowed.

I don’t regret anything. Feeling something doesn’t mean that I lost. It just means that I’m still capable of feeling. Which for me is a good thing. This is the first time I’ve felt this feeling and it’s beautiful. To care for something that is not there, and miles away from you. Out of reach, yet will always occupy your free mind.

It is worth the while. To take the plunge without hesitation, without thinking of the consequences, without knowing anything concrete and without even precautions for saving myself.

Just pure unadulterated search for happiness.

Even for just a while. Now is goodbye.

This is the end of something that never even started.

Time to pack up, and store all the memories to bring home. I have so many, it’s amazing. But this is not my last goodbye. I would like to write something that is of literary value at least.

I felt better just writing this entry. A lot lighter than when I started. I feel free…

Who the hell are you to say I was sleeping around?!

I always thought my ex-boyfriend is not very bright.

But I never thought how much of an asshole he really is!!! I am literally seething with fury right now. The nerve of that bastard!

Arg! I’ll try to make some sense with this entry. I’ll explain what happened.

I was talking to my bestfriend in the Philippines, Zarah and she was telling me about her problems with her husband. They’re relationship is totally over the edge. After that, she told me that there’s something I need to know about my ex boyfriend.

I thought she’s gonna tell me that my ex would be getting married soon. I’m fine with that. Can’t be bothered. But then again, I’m not that lucky.

What she told me is that my ex boyfriend is going around telling people that I was sleeping around when we were together. I can not believe it! That asshole! I mean if it was true, it’s okay.

But it’s not and I will not tolerate it! He knows that he’s my first and only boyfriend for a very long time. If I had a boyfriend after him, that’s not my fault anymore. Besides, that boyfriend (louie) the relationship lasted for only two months. Because I realized I was still in love with the other one.

Yup. I was really in love with that jerk. His name is Ian Mar Dayot. There, I said it. To who ever searches his name in the internet for whatever reason, I hope they find out that they’re looking for – a scumbag.

I tried my best to make the relationship work. All the compromises I can think off, I did it all. I learned how to cook, how to wash dishes, how to fold and iron clothes. And all those menial things that I normally refuse to do.

I tried to act stupid even. To not know things that he’s trying to make me understand although I know for a fact that I know the topic more than him. Still I gave him everything that I can think off. Just to please him.

He’s a freaking moron!!! I don’t know if anyone can comprehend how pissed I am right now but it doesn’t matter. Anyway, he was the one sleeping around, and not me. My conscience is clear. For his, I don’t want to comment on it.

The whole time, I thought we’re friends. We have our separate lives now, he has his new girlfriend and I’m here in Singapore. Trying to make a future for myself. And to make my family proud. I don’t understand why he has to ruin the reputation that I have been careful to preserve.

Then I’ll get this bullshit? Sooo totally uncalled for. If I see him anywhere in this world I will definitely give him a black eye. Hmp!

Haiz… writing about it actually did help a little bit. I’m not as agitated as the first time I heard the news. But whatever I wrote here still stands. Now I know why they say ex’s can’t be friends. You know why? Because normally one of you would be stupid. And for this case, I’m not that one.

I’m not saying that he’s stupid. He just is. Bwahaha!

I know I said I don’t like profanities. I hope who ever reads this understands that sometimes we just have to call a stupid idiot moron to fuck off!

How come I didn’t know I’m depressed?!

The whole world (exaggeration…no need to appeal) have the insane idea that I’m depressed. I didn’t even know I have a reason to be depressed to begin with! What is the world coming to? Haiz… Oh well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done about it.

If they want to tag me as depressed, then fine. So because of this, I called Cathy (one of my best friends in the Philippines). The first thing I told her was… “Cat, I’m depressed”

There was a minute of dead silence… then… both of us broke into tummy wrenching laughter.

And she said… “Punyeta! For a minute there, I thought you we’re serious. And I was like… that can’t be possible”

Yup. This time I’m not exaggerating. These words came out of the devils mouth herself. oops, sorry cat i guess wrong metaphor. hehe.

Haha! My gosh I’m so depressed I feel like taking a retreat into a land where nobody knows me… (drama queen) And forget about the sordid details of my past that is beyond comprehension. Or not!

But I feel like taking a holiday though. To relax and get away from the bustling city. Where I don’t have to listen to people’s rubbish on how I should feel. Or that I should feel anything at all. What is wrong with not feeling anything?! Ugh! I really don’t understand it.

Better check if there’s any available Hotel Reservations online. So I wouldn’t have to stress myself. There’s a lot of nice beaches, and resorts to choose from. And can fit my budget too. Of course I don’t want to go back broke. Now THAT will be depressing. hehe!

-This post is sponsored

Why I never wanted to have a boyfriend

Before I get into the story itself, let me give you a little backgrounder first…

Today is a very uneventful day. This past week actually has been very uneventful. But the thing is… a lot of things happened for the last one month. But Princessa and I have been very busy to write about it all. At least now I have the time to write about it. And of course I’ll be using the photos to tell a totally different story all together. hehe!

See. I always look at the bright side of things. In this post you’ll read about a fine day at Vivo City (sorry guys, no kissing scenes) with two of my bestest friends!!! (Cat, I think you’ll like these photos more.) And how we never want to grow up…

And a lot of confessions…

Let me tell you a story. Continue reading Why I never wanted to have a boyfriend

For all the romantics and for the broken hearted

Please indulge me again. I would like to share with you all another product of the times when I was feeling sad. I can’t seem to write another one of these things nowadays.

I should probably be glad though. Because that means I’m happy. Although I wouldn’t mind too if I’m able to write again the way I used to.

Anyway, highway (hehe). This is an essay I wrote about a year ago. Can’t remember the exact date now. But it doesn’t really matter. I hope you guys enjoy it, and let me know what you think of it.

A Simple Prose for a Faceless Dream

It is never easy to admit that you can’t have everything…

To admit that although you have just survived what you thought was your greatest loss, now you realize that the greatest loss is that one you can never have.

The one thing that you can never lose but neither can it be truly yours.

It is also this impending doom that gives you the urge to treat every moment as your last… to give your all and be always at your best. Everything that is given to you is all taken with great pleasure and sincere gratitude and humility.

Every shared conversation, every moment, even petty quarrels are all committed to memory. Stored in the special room in your consciousness where no one else will be able to reach, where only you have the possibility of opening.

So that in nights of solitude, as you sit and contemplate on your life you are able to go back to that special place. Even just inside your head, you relieve the experience.

Suddenly you’re in a place where you felt unimaginable happiness. You are home.

To remember the laughter, the joy, the frustration, the fleeting glimpse of something wonderful which all the more makes the memories more enigmatic.

For what is more beautiful than the unknown?

What is more beautiful than to feel so strongly about an idea, and look into another soul’s eye and dream of the realization of that idea.

It is such a bitter sweet feeling to want something so bad, and at the same time do everything in your will power not to let yourself have even a part of what you truly desire.

An act of sacrifice and self incrimination for every action taken that will confirm your love. Every assurance must be taken with doubt.

It is one of the hardest things in the world. And nobody should be able to take part on this seemingly masochistic endeavor.

Then why partake, one might ask?

For although fate is something that is hard to believe, it might actually be the only reason for loving someone even before you have the consciousness to recognize it in its true form. And let it haunt you for the rest of you life.

There is no conclusion…not even a thesis.

You are left to where you started. Comparable to that of a new born child, pure and simple.

But then you stop thinking, and finally you understand. There is nothing to comprehend.

There lies the possibility of harboring an unknown, and finding out about it after decades of not knowing.

Decades of only feeling something to be there, something beautiful you’re not sure if you have the right to grasp. The sad part is, you still understand nothing.

You are still lost.

Unsure.

Still enveloped by darkness.

And you refuse to falter, you decide to take it as a miracle of finding something that might not even be there.

But you believe to be….

Well, that’s about it. When Pablo Neruda wrote ‘Toight I can write‘, I guess this is the last sad line for me.

Because life is great!

Yup! Truly happy.

(Just a little something that made me dig out this prose.)