Reflections

Word of caution first: This entry would require your concentration.

I am not a nice person. I never claimed to be.

This entry is not about who I am or how I lived my life. It’s about those that matters to me the most. What I hold so dearly.

There are quite a few actually. They are God, my family, my friends, my career and knowledge. I will discuss their importance separately.

1. God

Nowadays there are more and more people who do not believe in a higher being. I do not judge them in any way. Everybody is entitled to their own belief. If I can bring God to their lives, that would be ideal. If not, then I will respect their belief.

As for my own faith, I have always believed in God. I mentioned it a lot of times in this blog already and I will not stop doing so. I do not define Him, nor will I ever say that I fully understand Him. I believe that he exists, that he created everything that exists.

I believe in a God that is loving, forgiving and giving.

The Alpha and the Omega, forever there, but forever unfathomable. I will always have faith.

2. Family

If there’s one thing that I always thank God for… It’s my family. They have always been my biggest supporter. They are the people who taught me the meaning of love and values of family.

My father (tatay) – To him, I will always be a little girl. Since I was a kid till now he has always prioritized me. Pampered me with love and affection. I miss having him around with his corny jokes and stories that I don’t know where he got from. I like poking him in the stomach and we will play pretend like we’re doing judo.

When I was in secondary school, I will sit on the lowest step of our stairs and wait for him to tell me when breakfast is ready. Then I will hug him and then eat the breakfast he cooked himself.

Whenever I hurt myself I will always call to him. For some reason he makes everything seem right. Continue reading Reflections

I went to Church…and wept

I wasn’t expecting it. Princessa and Bubbles brought me along to an early Christmas gathering. It’s a Christian sort of gathering.

At first I was joking that I might burn into ashes since I haven’t been to confession or Church even-for  a very long time. But when the program started, and they started talking about the real essence of Christmas, I felt melancholic.

When they started singing Christmas carols (with me singing along with the choir) that’s when my eyes got watery and hot. I realized I was starting to cry. I’m not the type of person that would show weakness in front of people so I bit on my inner lip so hard just to stop myself from really crying right then and there.

After the program, I detached myself from the group and went to the parking lot to cry by myself.

Then why am I posting this in the internet? Two reasons (which are also the same reasons why I wept). I want to declare my faith, and announce to the whole world how much I love my family.

I’ll discuss my faith first.  I have said it before and I’m saying it again. I am a very faithful person, although I’m not a religious one. I believe in God… in a higher being. An omnipotent and omniscient  being that is beyond my comprehension.

I feel like I haven’t been a good daughter, sister and friend for a very long time and I feel ashamed of it. I am an abomination to His creation, and I need not say more.

Now my family. Since I was a kid I knew I have the perfect family. My parents raised us in a home full of love and respect.

My brothers and I grew up in the province. I remember whenever there will be blackouts in our place, all of us would stay together in our living room. Father and mother would be telling us stories about their lives when they were young, and about our grandfather and our uncles and aunties.

We would also be talking about what’s happening with our lives, our studies and our aspirations and plans for the future.

Now my brothers are all married and living separately. But we are still very close. There will always be family gatherings and we would still be sitting down together and updating the rest of the family on each other’s lives.

Christmas and New Year would be a highlight of our year. As early as October, we would start to plan on how to spend these two holidays. The decision would be very diplomatic. My brothers and I will vote on it. The choices would normally be either to go back to our province or spend the holidays in the City.

If for some reason, one of us will not be able to go back to the province (that means no choice for that particular sibling) then that means no need to vote on it. We would all be spending Christmas in the City. The goal is for us to be together.

Anyway we celebrate Christmas in a very simple way. All of us would be hanging Christmas stockings on the wall (the moment we find a job after graduation means our right to hang a stocking is forfeited). Now of course only my nieces and nephews have the right to do this.

Christmas morning, we would all go to church together (we will be late, confirmed!). After that, head home to eat the sumptuous feast that my mother prepared with the help of my brothers and my father (I’m the only one in the family who can’t cook).

After that we will then go and visit our relatives. To kiss the hands of our aunties, uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers. And to eat too. So basically it’s a whole day of eating (it would be rude if we don’t eat in every single house we visit). Normally we would finish late in the afternoon.

My brothers would be cooking another set of dish. Something to munch on while drinking. hehe. The ladies (my sister in laws and my mother) would hang out together, talk and munch on something and make sure that the kids are not fighting with each other.

During this time, I would be hanging around the guys (my brothers and my father) while they drink. I would be eating what they’re taking with their drinks. I wouldn’t be drinking though. My father wouldn’t even allow me to drink champagne. I’ll just sit with them and listen to their stories and their jokes.

There will be a little bit of difference every year, but basically this is how we would be spending Christmas every year.

Together.

So when I heard the carols, I felt very sad. For the first time in my entire life, I wouldn’t be with my family during this special season. So I cried until my eyes are all red and puffy and there’s no more tears to cry.

The whole time, I was relieving fond memories of my family. I love all of them very much, and all of them love me as much. Although I wouldn’t be able to hug them this year, I will definitely make sure that this is the first and last Christmas that I wouldn’t be spending with them.

I have a beautiful family. For me it’s perfect.

I am blessed. And I am grateful.

Pay it Forward

I’m not in my usual festive jolly mood lately. It’s just that I realized that my heart is still working (figuratively speaking of course) and this entails one thing.

I can still be hurt. It’s not really a scary thought. People hurt and get hurt everyday. Thinking about it, I’m still human.

The question of how a human should behave is really a gray area. There’s a lot of virtues, ethics and laws involved.

But what does it really mean to be human? I have a lot of theories running in circles inside my head right now but really… is it just the capacity to think and be rational? Is that enough to consider someone human?

I always believed that whatever you have, you should be thankful for it.

PAY IT FORWARD

If you don’t have any idea how, I can give you one good example.

Children. Help the children. After all, our future relies on how they would turn out to be. There are organizations that give Free Children’s DVDs to help them learn more and at the same time protect them against drug abuse.

The way they do it is that they accept Car Donations to be able to fund their cause. The money will then go to creating positive animations for children.

Not only that, they give people in prison inspirational books. I guess it’s a good way of helping them to change and actually be able to redeem themselves.

Probably, you can Donate a Car or something like that. Since that’s how they operate. At least you’ll be able to see physical results of what you have given.

I mean, this is just a suggestion. Probably because I am in a state right now where in I am able to appreciate everything I have, specially having the chance to be who I want to be.

There will always be hope. Pandora’s box will always be there.  The only question left is whether or not you dare to take the first step…

Faith… the unchartered teritory

I like to believe that that I’m a faithful person. I’ve been to a lot of arguments regarding this matter. Both with the religious and the non-believer. I am neither of the two.

I don’t believe that I need to go to church to be able to talk about God. For me a church is an institution made out of people and stones and concrete. They are here to help those in need of guidance and show those people who have no God find God, and know more about Him.

Me, on the other hand have never been without a God. My family introduced me to Him and I never once did lost him. I questioned his existence because I felt it is my obligation to use my mind.

I was given the capability to think and decide for myself. That is exactly what I did. I thought about His existence, it’s rationality and theoretical soundness. I mixed science and religion to come up with my own theories.

Then I decided.

I decided to believe in Him with all intensity and humility. He can never be proven real nor a product of man’s vanity.

God for me is the most mystical and at the same time the only reality. He is what he is. I refuse to define him, or search for Him, because he is definite.

One more thing is, I can not possibly search for someone who has always been with me the whole time.